End of Fall Quarter

Well, it's already over. I can't believe how fast my first ten weeks at OU have gone by. I've made so many friends, and yet I haven't really. I've become friends with a lot of people, but I haven't really hung out with them or anything. I really miss my other friends. It's going to be like when I first came to Euclid, how I didn't do anything with anyone I had met that year. I didn't do anything with anyone until tenth grade, and even then I did little with my new friends. I love meeting new people and making new friends, but I hate how long it takes for other people to want to do stuff with me. I feel so out of place, but then I feel like I belong here. At first this didn't really bother me as I had some friends from high school to hang out with, but then they distanced. I still had some friends from high school that weren't in my graduating class that I did stuff with, but as time went on I began to feel so distant from everyone. I felt so out of place, lost in some foreign world, far away from where I wanted to be. It's not that I'm out of place, it's just that I have really close friends who aren't close physically to me. On top of that, I feel this need to find someone. I really want to get into an intimate relationship with someone, but I often reach for forbidden fruit and find possible matches in already taken women. Other times I realise they don't meet my standards. A friend once told me that I'm one in 6.7 billion. That doesn't give me much hope for finding someone to truly open myself up to. But the worst part of it all, I've been thinking about death a lot lately. I've been reading and listening to music a lot more, and I've been finding ways to start thinking about death in almost everything I hear or read. In J101 one day, we were watching a documentary on the beginning of the Civil Rights movement. It said that the murder of a young black boy was the impetus. This made me start thinking about my own mortality. I nearly had a panic attack. A chill went down my spine, my heart started beating really fast, and I was almost in tears as I worried to myself about being murdered and there being nothing after this life. I was able to calm myself down, but it was terrible. I've started losing sleep over it, and then yesterday I slept all day because I didn't want to get out of bed. I'm not stressed or mental, I just happened to reach the climax of my existential crisis as soon as I started college. I'm just worried I might go to sleep and not wake up one day. People have told me there's no need to fear dying because once you're dead, you're gone and don't care. That's what freaks me out the most, is that lose of thought/consciousness/self/existence. As Hamlet said, "For in that sleep of death what dreams may come?"