Wednesday, December 31, 2008

A Year in My View

We laughed, we cried, we sang, and we died; but most of all, we made it through another year. Congratulations! It's been an interesting one for me though. I played a lusty priest in The Importance of Being Earnest, and snagged the role of a brother in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (ugh). I survived my AP Spanish exam none-the-wiser (I got a 2). I read wonderful books in my AP English class, and performed a scene from Oedipus Rex, ending with a rap. I graduated from high school. I went to Bonnaroo with three close friends. I started this blog. I saw many indie films at Cedar Lee on many a Monday night. I got high on my birthday (never going to happen again). I danced my socks off. I watched friends leave for college. I left for college. I spent my first quarter in college. I joined The Post and Fridays Live, I saw Ben Folds twice. I read more good books. I thought more pensive thoughts. I saw plays, and lost my Rocky Horror virginity. I became addicted to Tazo Green Tea. I took Japanese. I made friends as I watched others fade away. I thought about relationships. I thought about love. I thought about people. I thought about everything. I thought about you and him, him and me, me and you (just being poetic). I forgot about the past, brushed aside the future, and focused on the present. I photographed the world around me. But most importantly, I smiled and tried to pass on my joy to others. Happy 100th post, and a bon voyage into the new year. Happy New Years Eve!

Monday, December 29, 2008

The Sound of Music

I watched The Sound of Music for the first time straight through yesterday. It was a nice end to a not great day. I slept for the most part of the day because I didn't feel so hot. Now, I've seen bits and pieces of the movie, but I have been meaning for the longest time to see it from the beginning. Usually when I see it is on, I've already missed a good chunk of it. But today, I came home from eating out with my mom and sisters to find the living room TV on. It was on ABC and a show had just finished. The speakers announced, to my delight, that The Sound of Music was next. How happy I was. I watched in my room, singing along to the parts I knew and learning the ones I didn't. It was wonderful. It so sad that Julie Andrews lost the power in her voice because of her cancer.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Lost Part Deux

Another cause of my feeling alone is my family. I love my family, but they just don't mesh well with me. I see everything through such different eyes than they do. Being at my house for six weeks has made me realize how suffocated I feel there. I feel like I can't win here, like I'm trapped. I don't know. This night has just made me think a lot. While waiting for them to decide on what to do after we had finished eating, I sat on a ledge thinking, and thinking, and thinking. I did that a lot. Once I get in my head, it's hard to get out. Being in my head is what made me feel like crap. Thinking about people who I want to be friends with, but when I'm around them I feel like those dream sequences where your chasing after someone who is slowly walking away, but you never catch up to them because for some reason you're running in slow motion. Do they act so childish because I'm not their macho man stereotype, and this threatens their masculinity? Or is it because they are jealous that I am far more a man than they? I don't know. I'm not a psychologist with a fancy chaise lounge chair. I'm just the one that asks the questions. I apologise if a lot of my blog posts get you down. I normally have a very sunny disposition, but every so often I think and it upsets me.

Lost

I feel so lost. I feel so alone right now. I should be happy because I got to hang out with my friends, but I'm not. I was really happy sitting at Mama Santa's with people who I had barely seen over my break, until they started reminiscing. They sounded so happy talking about their memories. I don't mind the ones that happened before I met them, but when they bring up stories I have heard before, I feel so distant. I could have been there too, but I wasn't invited. I understand that I haven't known them for as long as they've all known each other, but they include me sometimes and then talk about all the times I was excluded. I feel like I don't belong. I feel like I'm an impartial observer, like someone watching through a spyglass, but I'm also there so they can insult me and deride me. They all seem so fake. When they are not all together, they're nice and only tease and joke. When all the guys are together it's a huge "see who can say the meanest thing about John" contest. For people that dislike people for being fake, they sure need to take a good hard look in the mirror. The worst part is that they're not horrible people. I want to be friends with them, but they make it very hard. But I'm so different from them. Not to condescend and preach from a soap box, but I am far more emotionally mature than them. I'm not an insensitive asshole like they are most of the time. The whole world's a game to them. When I offer them a heart, they throw it on the ground and smash it. I feel so empty and lost. And they aren't the only cause.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Stormy Weather

I love and at the same time hate Cleveland weather. I was so glad to be somewhere where it snows a lot, only to have the snow be washed away. Every time it snows, a day or so later it rains and washes away any trace of the snow. I love rain, but I also love snow. On a side note, did you know that on rainy and snowy days, or just days of inclement weather, people's moods tend to be more on the gloomy side. When weather is bad, people are sad. I used to dislike rainy days. Now I love the feeling of rain, but I still dislike when it rains all day because that means I can't be outside that long because I'll get sick. Oh precipitation! You are a double-edged sword!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Joyful Non-descript-holiday Eve

Happy Christmas Eve everyone and Happy Hanukkah day four. With five posts left after this one, it's a dash to the finish line to get to 100 before 11:59pm EST on Dec. 31st. I've got seven days to make due with. Well good night, and good luck.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Confused...

Apparently I was wrong. The other doesn't like the one. Somehow I mistook an obvious show of affection to be exactly that, when apparently it was just fooling around. The other is a greater liar than I, to be able to truly show genuine affection and call it fooling around is great talent. I may not know anything about relationships because I didn't hone my skills on fruitless relationships, but damn do I know how to read people. I'm good at putting two and two together. I watch and pick up on things. I don't just guess. I back up my conjectures. I rarely over think, and when I do over analyze I usually say first that it might be a little far fetched. I'm pretty sure I hit the nail on the head with how the other feels about the one. Even if the other denies it, I will stand behind my theory. Besides, the other had a lame explanation as to why they didn't like the one.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

The Holiday Season

I would like to wish all my readers a very Merry Winter Solstice. Today we celebrate the shortest day, meaning the day with the least amount of daylight. In honour of the official start of winter, I will be sacrificing a goat on this cool rock in the forest behind Squire's Castle. For those of you who would like to still celebrate a holiday with me but would rather not get goat blood on their holiday clothes, tomorrow is also the first day of Hanukkah. I was unable to get a Menorah, so if anyone has one I could borrow, I would greatly appreciate it. I have wanted to celebrate a different holiday since about 7th grade. Christmas isn't what it used to be. It's not about gifts, it's about being with my family. For the past couple of years or so that we have held Christmas dinner at our house, I remember happily helping my family setting the table, cleaning, and other things. What I don't remember is getting respect back. My mother complains that I keep a list because I complain when I have done more than my fair share. All throughout the week, I will do everything my parents ask me too even if I shouldn't have to without complaint. Once every week or every other week, I will kindly ask them to ask my brother. Unfortunately, I am usually responded to negatively and told I don't do anything, or my brother has a job and I don't and should therefore do more. I don't mean to complain, I just want the respect I deserve. But I digress. I wish all my readers a joyful winter holiday season.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

BDKD Jeans

So I went to Lakeshore Coffee House tonight since Simone was working, and boy did I enjoy it. Sarah P came to visit which was awesome. Nick dropped by which was also awesome. I played Wordster and made it to 3rd place. I had brownies and tore apart a cup. It was a good night. The best part though, was when Simone gave Sarah and me a ride home. Simone was talking about how people kept talking about her big butt when her mom made a comment. She said she noticed it one day when she dropped Simone off and figured out why people call it a badonkadonk. Then Simone was talking about discussing how hard it was to find jeans for girls with big hips and skinny legs, so my mind wandered. I was like, "Badonkadonk Jeans," in a sing-song voice. Sarah burst out laughing, but I think I'm on to something and I owe Simone. A jean company that sells jeans fitted for girls with big hips and skinny legs... Badonkadonk Jeans, or BDKD Jeans for short. I claim this idea as my idea and this post is proof!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Dancing

I really want to say who these people are, but I will not even though I know one of them does not read this, at least I think he or she doesn't. I have two friends (for clarity, one refers to the same one and other refers to the same other throughout). They are dancing around each other. One, I know for sure, likes the other, and the other, I'm now 99% sure, likes the one. Both of them have had bad/weird relationships in the past, and, through my little knowledge of pyschology and experience, have deduced that both are afraid to tell the other person. One is afraid of rejection, and the other is afraid of either rejection, doesn't want to try a long distance relationship, or possibly both (I'm thinking the last). This is truly eating me up inside. I was lying in bed thinking about it, and I couldn't stop getting upset. I want them to tell each other their feelings so bad. The one is torturing themselves over this and refuses to believe the other likes them. The one keeps finding tiny holes in my theory of why the other likes them and tries to make them into gaping holes so thinking about the other won't hurt the one. As I write this, I keep wanting to hold the backspace button down and watch as everything I did is undone. I know the one will read this and probably not know how to react toward me. I don't care though because deep down in my heart I have this hard to shake feeling these two are meant for each other. If I'm wrong, than I'm just an idiot, a foolish romantic who knows nothing about relationships.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

La Blogotheque

La Blogotheque is this French web blog. It consists of videos of unrehearsed performances of up-and-coming artists. I would like to thank current.com for this wonderful find. The performances are wonderful and random, and perfect. This site is wonderful.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Vegetarian In the Midst of Meat Eaters

Today was my youngest sister's birthday, so my family and I went out to dinner. Unfortunately, I was not informed of the restaurant of choice until we got there. It was Texas Roadhouse. As a vegetarian, I thought, "What were they thinking not telling me we were going to TEXAS ROADHOUSE!" That is the most vegetarian-unfriendly restaurant I have ever been to. I had a Caesar salad without dressing, some rolls, and a brownie for dessert. My mom thought I would get salmon even though I have clearly stated to my entire family that I do not consume any meat or fish. Oh my family! The worst part was the waiter was picking on me. I survived unscathed for the most part.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Goal

Alright, so I would like to have 100 posts by the end of the year. I need twelve more and have 21 days left to do interesting stuff. Nero, AWAY!

Guitar

Since I am sitting at home bored to death, I decided now would be a perfect time to start teaching myself how to play guitar. This is something I have wanted to do for awhile, along with learning the piano. I tuned the guitar, I hope right, and learned three chords. Unfortunately, I don't have a pick. I have to go buy one sometime soon, and possibly some books because I enjoy books better than online courses. Stay tuned for more!

Friday, December 5, 2008

A Beary Merry Mr. Moose

So yesterday, or Thursday if I don't get this done by midnight, I went to the Beary Merry Christmas Show with my mother. It's this quaint little crafts show with all these local people. Usually, I just go to comment and critique my mother's purchases, but this year I saw the cutest, most adorable thing ever. It was a stuffed moose made from Alpaca hair, the softest around. It was wonderful. I convinced my mother to buy it and I would pay her back later. At first she resisted, but I kept whining "moose" is this adorably sad, impossible-to-resist voice, and, when we were almost finished, she caved in. I fell in love with him on the ride home. He was the cutest thing I had ever seen. I named him Mr. Moose and thought up all sorts of things. I thought about cute children's stories, sending him around the world on some mission that would change people's lives, and everything else a college student thinks about when he or she gets a new stuffed animal. So stay tuned for the Adventures of Mr. Moose!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Dreams

I had some interesting dreams last night. The most interesting one is a reoccurring one. Well, it's not necessarily a reoccurring dream, it's more a reoccurring character. I don't know her name because no one ever says it in the dream, but she is a secret agent. In my younger days I was obsessed with secret agents because I thought it was cool (I still kind of do). I used to have dreams where she would go on missions saving people. In last night's dream, our heroine resigned and her boss sent people to capture her. When the people came, they felt bad because she was a young woman, not even an adult yet. Instead of taking her back to headquarters, the two guys and girl captors took her to a hotel room. The boss was worried this might happen, so he took the precaution of tracking them. Because they disobeyed him, he detonated a bomb in the tracking device killing the agents, but allowing our heroine to escape. Next thing I know, she is in my house, but I do not exist. Only my mom and our heroine live in my house, and they are mother and daughter. My mother does not know that her daughter is an ex-secret agent, so in order to protect her mother, our heroine turned herself in to the boss. And that is where my dream ended.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Love? Will I Find You, Or Will You Find Me?

I've been thinking about love a lot lately. My friend (no name shall be said) has been discussing his or her feelings with me about someone for awhile. This has got me thinking about my love life. I have met three people in my short 18 years that I truly love. Now I am not in love with these people, but I don't think I could live without these people after having met them. They are of both genders and share many of my interests. This is just one of the kinds of love I am searching for. I have found it, and now do to external influences I want to search for the other kind. Now, I have had little luck in finding my soulmate. I believe there is someone who is me in woman form. I also have little luck dating the possible candidates because I often pick taken women. I feel this pressure to find someone because of society. I feel this pressure to just date someone and have sex with someone I have no strong feelings for. I was once asked if I was a virgin by choice or by chance. I am a virgin by choice, but I will not save myself for marriage. If I find that person who makes me whole, I will make love to them as much as possible. A lot of my friends see me and sex as impossible because I have what seems as a very conservative attitude toward it. I just don't have the libido of all the sex-crazed teen shows on television nowadays. I was told sex with me would be like raping a puppy because I seem so innocent. Not to sound too nerdy, but I researched sex. People act like sex is something perverse to me. It's not. Not to sound cheesy or lame, but I prefer to make love not have sex. People look at me like I'm not normal, but I never have been normal and being normal is never a good thing. Normal people have to have some of the most boring lives. They probably never think about things like this and just go about living their "normal" lives. I prefer to live my "weird" life, listening to deep love songs that make me want to find that person that I can: just lay next to and know everything is right, tell everything to, follow into the dark, not care what she looks like in the morning, have fun doing absolutely nothing with, and spend the rest of my life with.