Lost

I feel so lost. I feel so alone right now. I should be happy because I got to hang out with my friends, but I'm not. I was really happy sitting at Mama Santa's with people who I had barely seen over my break, until they started reminiscing. They sounded so happy talking about their memories. I don't mind the ones that happened before I met them, but when they bring up stories I have heard before, I feel so distant. I could have been there too, but I wasn't invited. I understand that I haven't known them for as long as they've all known each other, but they include me sometimes and then talk about all the times I was excluded. I feel like I don't belong. I feel like I'm an impartial observer, like someone watching through a spyglass, but I'm also there so they can insult me and deride me. They all seem so fake. When they are not all together, they're nice and only tease and joke. When all the guys are together it's a huge "see who can say the meanest thing about John" contest. For people that dislike people for being fake, they sure need to take a good hard look in the mirror. The worst part is that they're not horrible people. I want to be friends with them, but they make it very hard. But I'm so different from them. Not to condescend and preach from a soap box, but I am far more emotionally mature than them. I'm not an insensitive asshole like they are most of the time. The whole world's a game to them. When I offer them a heart, they throw it on the ground and smash it. I feel so empty and lost. And they aren't the only cause.